Ravi Mama, my mother's youngest brother, seated across the table, looked intently at me. The last time I met him was four years ago. I have no lack of Mamas. My mother has six younger brothers but he was my special uncle. The last time I had met him was when he visited us to wish me luck as I was about to leave for my university studies in Kuala Lumpur.
My parents were ecstatic when I got a place at the university. So was I. I was finally leaving the close knit Indian community in Buntong. My mother decided to use Ravi Mama as a point of reference for university studies.
'Ravi, you were in UM. Please advice Shanti. She's still a child and doesn't know anything about studying in a university,' my mother intoned.
I was not embarrassed. I was still a child in their eyes. My uncle looked at me mischievously. Taking me by my hand, he said, 'Shanti, come let's go for a drive. I have to pick Uncle Anand up from his flat. We are off to Pulau Tioman for a holiday. We can talk while I drive.'
He had hardly driven five minutes when he stopped at a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant. We ordered a drink each. He looked at me and asked, 'So what do you want to know about varsity life?'
I looked at him blank faced. Sensing my discomfort, he started. 'It's a different kind of life, on campus. I really cannot prepare you for it.' I was relieved that there was not going to be a lecture. He could have done this at home, I thought. Then he started. And that was when I wished the earth would open and swallow me up.
'Shanti, like I said, it is a different world. Study hard but do have a good time. This is your only chance to be away from home. Remember, you're responsible for yourself and your studies,' he began.
'Your mother will be preparing for your wedding by the time you graduate. So if you're ever going to find a husband on your own, this is your opportunity,' he said and looked straight into my eyes. I thanked all the gods on our family altar for giving me a dark complexion. Here was my thirty one year old bachelor uncle giving me advice about marriage when he had chosen a single life. My face did not betray my thoughts.
'Do you know about contraception?' he inquired. I nodded. 'I'm not suggesting you have sex but if you decide to, then for your own sake take precautions. Remember, you're the one who gets pregnant, not the Krishna who was lovey dovey with you,' he continued. 'Don't forget you can catch VD or herpes, not forgetting AIDS.' I felt the whole restaurant could hear him.
I started fidgeting. He held my hands gently. 'Shanti, I don't want to embarrass you. You are a big girl. An attractive girl too. There'll be lots of men out there who would want to go out with you. Choose who you want. But remember, you come from Buntong. The Indian community does not take kindly to modern girls. Worse still it has no place for pregnant girls, even if they get an honours Economics degree.'
I thought he had finished but I was wrong. 'I have just a little more to say. Bear with me. You may even thank your Mama one day. If you don't eventually find yourself someone you want to marry while you're at the university, there is little chance you will once you start working. By then your mother will have contacted all the relatives and your photograph will have been placed in the marriage circuit. So try to find a good man, someone who meets your taste. It would be extremely helpful for your case if he's doing a professional degree and comes from the same background as us,' he finally concluded.
I stared at him, my mouth slightly open. He smiled and asked me if I had any questions. I shook my head and wondered what my mother would do if she knew what Ravi Mama had just said. He was honest. He had said everything as a matter of fact. I liked that. I don't think any of my other uncles could have said it quite the same way.
'Thank you Ravi Mama,' I said. And before he could say anything else, I asked why he had not married.
He looked at me and a slight smile broke on his face, then it faded just as quickly. His eyes took on a sad hue and he said, 'I'll tell you if you ask me again, after you graduate. You're not ready for my story yet. Who knows, we could even compare notes.' He smiled again and the sadness disappeared.
We finished our drinks and left for Uncle Anand's flat. We arrived quickly and Ravi Mama ran up to his friend's flat. They returned in a short while, Ravi Mama carrying Uncle Anand's bag. I was promptly sent to the back seat. I did not know it then but that was the last time I was to see Ravi Mama throughout my varsity days.
'Ravi Mama, I'm not sure how much you approve of me. I did try to follow your advice. There was enough information on safe sex to scare me about being promiscuous. Anyway, I did not go to bed with the first available man. I imagined every Indian on campus was somehow related to us or would know some member of the family.
'First year was FUN. I met lots of guys but nothing really happened. It was great going to movies and parties, especially with no curfew hours. It was when I returned to campus after the long vac that I met Indran. We were in the same late evening tutorial group. I had seen him before but he kept very much to himself. It rained heavily one evening and he offered to share his umbrella. It was raining too heavily to walk to the bus stop so I accepted his invitation for teh tarik at the cafeteria.
'We talked about courses and living in PJ. He was from Kuantan and was sharing an apartment with three other guys. I was impressed. I was sharing a house with six girls. The rain eased and we did not have any reason to stay so we left.
'The next time he spoke to me was a fortnight later. We crossed paths almost daily and exchanged smiles. He invited me to a movie. I told him that I was waiting for a friend to confirm about her party. He gave me his telephone number and asked me to let him know. The party was on but I told Indran it wasn't. Now, I can't even remember what movie we saw. This was my first date with him! After the show, we stopped at some hawker stalls and ate Hokien mee and drank Chinese tea. He hailed a taxi and I was at the front door of my house by eleven thirty.
'Indran did not ask me out for a while. It did not bother me as I was busy with my friends. He popped into my life again with an invitation to a play which was being staged on campus by a foreign drama troupe. I accepted and even volunteered to pay for my ticket. He quickly declined my offer.
'We watched five actors playing the various characters in 'Midsummer's Night Dream'. It was very entertaining and we both had a good time. After the play, we walked around the lake on campus. As you know, it is not a big lake. He gently touched my hand and I moved my fingers into his. We strolled, hardly speaking. Lost very much in our own thoughts, about each other.
'We walked down the road and Indran stopped the first taxi that passed. Just before he dropped me off he asked if I would like to have lunch with him the next day. I agreed.
'Well, Ravimama, this was the beginning of the romance of my campus days. Your words remained in my thoughts. Indran was a gentleman and he obviously had money. He just fell short of one of your requirements. He was not doing a professional degree. The family will just have to cope with that.
'We began seeing each other daily and I thought myself forward thinking and went on the Pill. We spent more and more time in his apartment as he did not have a roommate. It was about three months later that we went to bed.
'We were lying on the bed and kissing. He gently broke from our embrace and asked, "Shanti, shall we make love?" It was all so romantic. There wasn't a tinge of illicitness in his request. I didn't want to say no. I didn't say yes too eagerly either.
'You don't look surprised, Ravi Mama. I'm glad. I thought I knew what I was doing. Yes, I was willing to lose my virginity for this man who I had grown to trust and love. I gathered that night that Indran was no virgin. He was gentle and loving. It was pleasurable and I knew I wanted more of this kind of loving.
'You know, Appa and Amma knew I was going out with a guy and Amma threw hints about not giving myself to any man. She even said something about people not buying the cow when they could get the milk free. I invited Indran to Buntong during the long vac but he declined. I did not push him.
'When we returned for the final term, Indran informed me that his parents had found a girl for him and he was to be engaged soon. An anger I never thought myself capable of rose from within me. I screamed, ranted and cried. He sat on his bed and just looked at me.
'I finally quietened down. He continued. "I have no say. My parents dropped two bombshells on me," he said very softly. "My father informed that my future in laws have been paying for all my studies and expenses for the last four years. Marriage to their daughter is the only repayment," he uttered.
'I stood there feeling sorry for myself. He moved towards me and held me close. His heartbeat was racing and I bit into his shoulders. We slumped onto the bed. I must have fallen asleep in his arms that evening. I woke up with a start. The room was dark and Indran was asleep next to me. Lying awake, I moved closer to him and inhaled his scent, wondering how much longer this would go on.
'Morning finally broke, and as I got out of bed, he too awoke. I told him I was going home. He called a taxi for me. I went to my room, packed a bag and returned to Buntong.
'Amma was surprised to see me back mid week. I told her I was free and wanted to spend some time at home. She looked worried but did not ask any questions. Appa knocked on my bedroom door just before dinner and came into the room.
'Shanti, is everything alright?' he asked, seating himself on the chair next to my bed. 'It's not like you to come home without even calling us.'
'I know, Appa, but I'm okay. Nothing to worry.'
'You don't look okay. You can talk to us.'
'There's nothing to say. I just wanted to rest.'
'He dropped the subject and asked me to come downstairs for dinner. Walking behind him into the dining room, I asked Appa where you were. It was only then I found out you were in Sabah. That you and Uncle Anand had set up some small business in Kota Kinabalu.
'Amma was still in the process of getting the food to the dining table. I scooped rice onto the plates and we sat down to eat. Amma and Appa talked about their day while I wondered what Indran was doing.
'On the third day he called. I was glad to hear his voice.
'Hi, Shanti. Why did you run away?' he asked.
'I came home,' I replied.
There was silence for a while. He spoke again, "Please come back. I didn't want to do this to us."
'I wanted to feel sorry for him. But I was the one who was being dumped. I could not feel sorry for him.
"Not yet," I replied and put down the phone.
'Two days later I was back on campus. Indran found me in the cafeteria where we usually had our lunch. He held my hands and asked if I would like to go back to his apartment. I agreed. Once there, he held me in his arms. I did not tell him that I did not want to leave him. We made love and fell asleep. Awoke, made love and fell asleep again. I didn't want to lose him. It was me that he loved.
'Ravimama, I wish I could have left him then. But I couldn't. He told me that he was to be engaged to this girl at the end of the month but he wanted to be with me. I didn't think him selfish, as I wanted him too.
'After the engagement, my weekends were miserable. He was away in Kuantan with his family and fiancee. I returned to my books. I got my Second Class Upper but lost my lover. As term drew to a close, we grew more frenzied in our love. I did not go home. I continued to rent the room in PJ. Told Amma and Appa that I would be getting a job in KL. Indran too kept his room. He was also trying to get a job in KL.
'We were together as often as we could, remaining in KL, using job hunting as our excuse. Just before graduation, I got a job as a reporter for Malaysian Business. I still work there. Indran wasn't so lucky. No, actually, I wasn't so lucky. He didn't get any job offers. But his in laws wanted to have the wedding soon anyway.
'Well, Ravi Mama, I was on the way to becoming an adulteress. I didn't feel like one. I'm not sure how an adulteress feels. Guess, I didn't feel guilty. I assumed that we would continue seeing each other like before though I knew things would change.
'Amma and Appa complained that they hardly saw me, of course. But I used my work as excuse. They surprised me with a new car as my graduation present. It dug into their savings and I was grateful to them. They knew I was still going out with my varsity boy friend. Amma's hints that I should get married grew less and less subtle. One day she called and informed me that there had been a proposal for me.
"Shanti, Malar Aunty called. She said there's a lawyer working in KL who's interested in you." She paused waiting for me to react. When I didn't, she continued. "He's twenty six and a nice boy. He even owns a house."
'I told her I wasn't thinking of marrying. She reminded me that it wasn't going to get easier to find a good catch as I grew older. "There are many Indian girls who are graduates and unmarried," she reminded me. Then she added, "I'm not asking you to agree to marry him. Just agree to go out with him for dinner and see if you like him."
'I told Amma I'd call her if I decided to meet him. I didn't. A few days later, I received a letter from Appa asking me to think about my future and meet the man they thought was good husband material. Appa did ask if I was still going out with the boy I knew during my varsity days.
'Ravi Mama, the boy I knew during my varsity days was getting married and he still wanted me. I accepted the arrangement. A few days before the wedding, I discovered this too would have to be altered. Indran informed me that as he still hadn't found a job, his father in law had suggested that he do his MBA in America; his wife would go with him, of course.
'I didn't go to his wedding. We met in his PJ apartment when he returned from his honeymoon. Sorting out his belongings was his excuse. We had two days together. That was the last time I was to be with him, for now. He left for America six days ago. He called me on Thursday. God, I miss him.
'I rang home yesterday and Amma told me you were in KL. She said you and Uncle Anand were here for some business meeting. Amma said you'd be staying at Plaza Hotel. Thought I'd try my luck and call you. I really wanted to talk to you. Thanks for seeing me.'
Ravimama smiled and drank his beer. I was not sure what his thoughts were. He looked at me and held my hand. 'Mama, I have just gone on about myself. It's been your turn to listen. The last time we met I was the listener. I've not quite finished my story, Ravi Mama. But I want to know something first. You said you'd answer my question, why you didn't marry, after I graduated.'
He looked into my eyes and said, 'I did, in my own way.' Then I understood. I wouldn't have four years ago. He was right. I told him I was happy for him. At that moment, I wished Uncle Anand was there with us.
'You don't have to feel sad for me, Ravi Mama; of course, things are not alright, but when are they?' I tried to sound philosophical. I smiled at him and he returned a loving smile. 'Ravimama, I'm not ecstatic with the way things are. But I'm not going to allow Amma and Appa find me a nice boy. I don't know how things will go between Indran and me. I'm in no hurry to find out. For now, I've a career and I still love Indran. But I may even meet another man. I'll leave my options open,' I managed to say. I was beginning to feel slightly weary of myself.
'I'm suddenly feeling hungry. Let me take you and Uncle Anand for dinner,' I suggested.
'I'm afraid, it's going to be just you and me tonight. Uncle Anand is having dinner with his parents. His mother has found another nice Indian girl she wants to marry him off to,' Ravi Mama said quietly.
*'Husband Material' published in The Literary Page, The New Straits Times. Kuala Lumpur. May, 1996.
