Gosh. Now that would make the Devil one hell of tragic figure, doesn't it? Get it? HELL of a tragic figure? I know. I know. Bad joke. But seriously. Poor Devil, right? I mean, after Judgement Day, he would just go to Hell where is is destined to burn for eternity. So why not bring along as many humans as he wish along with him to keep him company? So, that's the logic of the whole idea! The Devil might be thinking in his head - if I can never safe myself, I'll take with me all of God's kids with me. Maybe that would teach Him a lesson!
***
So, I had this buddy, right? Name was Luxuria. Great guy. Always jumpy about getting married. Found himself some chick right after high school. Both never did well in exams or anything. Both left home right after graduation and got hitched.
Luxuria is like totally God-fearing. But not the wife. She was, well, a little moody at times. Poor Luxuria could get any chick back at school. He was captain of the basketball team and all that. But now, here he was stuck with a wife, and he could never just bed anyone. Not when I was here, reminding him to remember God always. It is a sin to commit adultery, I would remind him all the time. And he would listen.
But being so young and oversexed, he had needs. Cravings. And his wife, tired after working late refused to satisfy poor him. Here he was, being all faithful and all, but she refused to sleep with him. I could only encourage him to do the right thing - exercise his rights as the man of the house. His wife had to listen to him, whether she like it or not.
Only then did Luxuria start acting like a man. He started to discipline his wife. She was his, no matter what. Nobody could stop him. Every night, no matter how much she pleaded, he would do with her. And did I mention that Luxuria had a thing for kinky sex? Gosh, the things he did to her were simply out of this world! Blindfolds, leather belts, handcuffs, feather dusters, skimpy lingerie... you name it. He'd tried it.
Don't laugh. But I started pitying poor Mrs. Luxuria. So I told her to just kill him whenever he wanted to be handcuffed to the bed of their cheap motel room. I mean, only a man without a heart would not feel sorry for this poor girl. But she had a better idea, much to my anger. She went straight to the police. After running some tests on her, it was confirmed she was a victim of constant sexual abuse.
The police finally arrested Luxuria and he was charged for marital rape. Good for him. When I visited him, I could only laugh my head of at his condition. I mean, can you imagine the guy? He not only took advantage of my advice, but also of his poor, helpless wife.
***
Luxuria is only one of the many screwed-up friends I had. There was also his twin sisters - Gula and Acedia. Twins, but worlds apart. Now, this two were like, to say it in simple words, were the most gifted beings in the world. They were the daughters of this big shot in real estate.
So, what made these two so different. Well, Gula lived to eat on her dad's wealth. I mean literally eat on her dad's wealth. I can hardly remember a time when she never had a packet a chips in her hands. She was always easting! ALWAYS eating, I'm telling you. Which is why I simply loved her. She totally appreciated her gift in life. No complains, no regrets, apart from when she does not have her meal on time.
Then, there is Acedia. Don't get freaked out, but she is totally obsessed with death. Oh, yes. She hardly ate anything. She was as skinny as a scarecrow. Her thick eyeshadow was as black as her clothes. If Gula was always seen with food, she always was seen listening to her emo music. She was the school's goth, and never talked to anyone. I loved her just as much. So totally in love with death, always preparing herself for the 'other side' as she called it.
Maybe it was my fault. I don't know. I should not have encouraged them. Not in the way I did to Luxuria at least. But Gula just died one day after a heart attack. Can you believe it? At that age? And poor Acedia suffered an ever terrible death. Members of her cult believed that by sacrificing a living twin to the spirits they worshiped, they would gain eternity. Now, I was there when Acedia was being killed, but I could do nothing. Nothing!
What surprised me was that Acedia had always been obsessed with dying. But at the face of Death, she just simply went mad, as if she didn't want to her eternal lover. I'm talking about Death. Part of me kept silent because wasn't this what she always wanted?
***
If you think that was crazy, then you have seen nothing yet. You should have met these kids' dad, Avarita. He was rich. Like filthy rich. Like in the list of top ten most richest businessmen in the city. A big shot through and through. Lived life king sized. Inherited the family business from his grandpa, and made it ten times bigger than it already was.
We were the best of friends. Of course, I was Avarita's friend before even his kids were born. He was a little paranoid and had some trust issues. It seemed as if I was the only buddy he would ever consult before making a business deal. Now, by now you should have realized that I'm not exactly the most politically correct person. So let me tell you that Avarita is not the most honest businessman out there. Let's just say, he is the type of guy who is never hesitant to take some tough decisions.
Like one time, there was an empty house right in the middle of the city, in the midst of tall skyscrapers and the center of the hustle and bustle of urban life. With a location like that, you might think any businessman would want the house to get rid of it and build something profitable instead in order to make more money. Avarita was exactly that kind of businessman.
The owners of the house - a married couple, had died in an accident. Their kids were living in an orphanage and the house was still under their name. For the time being, the family lawyer was caring for the house. No matter how much money Avarita offered the bloody orphans, they refused to give up their house, on the basis it was important to them because they had so much memories of spending time with their parents there. Bull! Pure bull!
Avarita, being the smart businessman I've always known gave the family lawyer some nice gifts so he could somehow own the house. And his plan worked perfectly. Avarita had snatched away the property of orphans! Some might think he would burn in hell for this.
Why, that seems like a good idea, doesn't it?
***
If you think that family was a screwed up one, wait till you meet this bunch of losers. I suppose I'm always drawn to idiots who think they're always right and refuse to accept others' belief, thus leading to their own destruction.
I first met the eldest son of the family. Name was Ira. Back in his old country, he was a moral police. He lived his life by his religion, which he felt was the supreme way of living. In his mind, you had to be a follower of his religion in order to go to heaven after you die. Followers of other religions would burn in hell for eternity, no matter how good they were. Just because they worshiped another God, or gods, or refused to believe in a supernatural almighty being, you were bound for hellfire. A follower of his religion could be a complete ass, but he or she would still stand a chance to live in heaven just because that person was of his religion.
Yes, I know. It's kind of lame. But yes. That was Ira. And nothing you said could change his mind. He was on the right path, the path of God as he called it.
So, it was only natural for a guy with a mentality like his to assume that governments of non-believers' countries were plotting to destroy countries of the believers. A far fetched conspiracy theory, but he had his holy book to prove that. He was taught from a young age that non-believes were there to mislead his people to their own doom.
So much devotion. Being buddies with Ira was simply refreshing, after meeting the likes of Avarita and his kids. Ira was so God-fearing, so God-loving! I was there with him as he convinced other young men to join his fellowship. A fellowship that would change the world and where God's word would run supreme.
With my advice, Ira and his followers shaped the most intelligent of plans. A plan that would shake the world, if not change it. They would bomb themselves along with hundreds of thousands of civilians in different parts of the city. As I told them, this would provide them a one-way ticket to heaven each! After all, this life was nothing but temporary. It's the afterlife that is eternal. So, they would loose nothing by taking their own lives. And who gives a darn of those non-believing so-called civilians. They may be women and children, but they are all non-believers. Die now or later, they would end up in hell anyway. So, what is the point of living for them?
How much I admired Ira and his the wrath in him...
So on a peaceful early summer afternoon, bombs in multiple parts of the city went off, killing thousands of innocent lives. I was not asked to join, but I was allowed to observe the incident. Seeing so many people mourning over their lost ones, it made me realize. Oh, poor Ira! How did he expect to get his one way ticket to heaven like this? Because of him, so many had died! How could he? It was him who would burn in hellfire now. Heaven is no place for a man responsible for so many deaths at one time all in the name of God. Poor Ira...
***
If you thought Ira was nothing more less than a dog, wait till you meet his dad- Superbia. Though not as radical as Ira, Superbia and his wife, Gloria shared the same view on how supreme their religion was to others. Fools. Nevertheless, God tells us to love everyone, right? So, here I was loving them. Gross...
So you would understand why my friend, Superbia and his wife, Gloria went mad when their daughter fell in love with a guy who practices a different religion. Imagine how much shame it must have brought to them.
Don't get me wrong. I hate this husband and wife, and their fanatic views. But I'm a family man! Family is important. Trust me, I got mad when the daughter turned her back on her own family for the sake of her boyfriend. So, you won't be shocked when Superbia and Gloria killed their own child in the name of honour. I have no idea how a deed of such evil could honour God. Superbia and Gloria weren't the smartest of people. So, people eventually found out and the police arrested them. Naturally, I escaped. Not having anything to do with them now, I took advantage of the situation and visited them in prison, laughing my butt off at their situation. Poor them. They were so depressed that they hardly noticed! Well, it's not really time to party when you're given the death sentence, isn't it?
***
Friends come and go, don't they? Like the rest of them, there was Invidia. I don't need lengthy, detailed descriptions to let you know what kind of guy Invidia is. Two words are more than enough - moral, and police. Now, put these two words together. Yup, that's him. Invidia.
I might hate someone who is immoral. But, Invidia despised everyone who did not follow the moral conduct that he believed in. Emphasis on DESPISED. He displayed great leadership skills on his first years at college, which was why his peers found it natural to make him president of their student council. And only then, did they see his true colours.
A leader with a heart full of hatred! As much as I liked him, I found it disturbing that he was full of hate. Until one day, he confided in me that it was not hatred, but jealousy. He was jealous of the boy in his class who was more good looking than him and could get any girl he wanted. He was jealous of the girl in skimpy clothes because she had always been comfortable in her own body. He hated the couple who had been dating for months because they seem so happy together. So it was not about hate, it was jealousy.
Speaking about his leadership, there were rules and regulations for everything the moment he took over office. Dress codes were introduced. Certain policies on dating were applied, like no meeting in secluded places alone. Couples who were suspected of indecency faced the likeliness of being expelled.
My admiration for Invidia grew even more when he was faced with much criticism from his peers following the enforcement of these new rules. Invidia was no fool. He had seen it coming. I had warned him earlier on. But I had also reminded him that a true leader leads his people not to where they want to be, but where they ought to be. He maybe hated now, but there was a special place in heaven for him.
One day, Invidia became very disturbed. Never had I seen him so mentally unstable before. Then, I discovered why. There was on openly gay couple who had just joined their college. And Invidia was pissed off.
We did everything. We gave them some counseling. We threatened them. We taunted them. But thing only got worst. A girl in Invidia's class came back to campus after her summer vacation as a boy, citing that she had always been a dude stuck in a chick's body all these years. Then, many other followed. Dudes dating dudes. Chicks dating chicks. Dudes turning into chicks. Chicks turning into dudes.
Invidia said it was the end of the world. At first, I was confused if he meant it literally or metaphorically. Here he was working to prevent fornication and skimpy dressing. And suddenly a bunch of sodomites and drag queens turn up on campus. I could hardly imagine the agony in him.
I think a nerve in his brain just snapped when a bunch of these immoral animals came to his dormitory one night, in an attempt to try to educate him! That just made me mad. Who was supposed to educate whom? Who did these guys think they were? The bloody homos brought a bunch of encyclopedias with them, to prove to Invidia that being a homo was not a choice, but an inborn thing. They cited something to do with the X chromosome and the Y chromosome in our bodies before birth, or some crap like that.
Invidia nearly bought it all if it wasn't for me. I reminded him and his cronies of who they were. They were followers of the Lord, and He would only love them more if they did their part. It was the homos and drag queens who needed to be educated, not the other way around. And it was then when Invidia went psycho.
One night, he and his cronies rounded up a couple of the homos and their friends. They locked them up in a lonely room, far from everyone else, and started bashing the whole lot of them. All that anger, all that jealousy, just let themselves loose that day. Some died, some were paralyzed for life. But one was smart enough to escape. When the police arrived, it was too late. The deed was done.
Invidia and his cronies had their future gone. Poor Invidia. He had the best of intentions. But then it was my fault for telling him to bash up those homos. If only he had not listened to me, he would not have been in this situation...
Just like the rest of them - Luxuria, Gula, Acedia, Avarita, Ira and Superbia... I would take Invidia with me to hell. My seven deadly friends and myself...
So I suppose that Shakespeare dude was right all along. Even the Devil can cite scripture. I mean, that was exactly what I did. Justified my arguments with the scriptures to back me up. Humans are pathetic. Looking for a one-way ticket to heaven is never going to work for them since I literally work at the counter that sells these tickets!
God only lets humans who love him sincerely into His paradise. Not some fool who is hungry for the luxuries of heaven and would do anything, even follow my every whisper, to achieve it.
Guys! Yes, I mean the seven of you! I'd see you guys in hell...
Toodles!
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